So let’s get the obvious ones out of the way: gays do not have fins, we don’t live in the ocean and no, we can’t breathe underwater (that I am aware of). I could turn this whole article into a long list as to why homosexuals are unlike our finny friends but who has the time?
Every human that has ever been anywhere near a television will have heard of the classic (and possibly best film ever): Finding Nemo. If you haven’t – how big of a cultural rock have you been living under? Disney Pixar’s animated feature film tells the story of a fish on the hunt across the ocean for his kidnapped son – with help from a few odd characters. Enter, Bruce.
The animated oxymoron comes in the form of the Australian shark that does his best to not eat fish. Thus, uses the ever memorable quote: “Fish are friends, not food” that I so often think of whilst tucking into a Fillet of Fish from the nearest Maccys… Of course this all goes awry when he gets a whiff of blood from the loveable Dory (voiced by HRH Ellen DeGeneres herself) and turns on a murderous streak.
True to form: Bruce like many other sharks can detect as little as one part per million of blood in seawater. But, unlike sharks, gays cannot detect other gays. Yes, you guessed it – the Gaydar. The idea that we can sniff out our own kind in a sea of straights is nothing more than a modern myth. Yes, we can get a sense someone’s sexuality – but only as much as the nearest hetero. That big ol’ rainbow that we can see with our Super-Gay-Vision? Yeah, doesn’t exist.
Although being the next protagonist in the next big Marvel movie does sound appealing, how much of a story can you write about a superhero that beats the bad guy by detecting other homosexual life forms? Sadly, we all wish we had this power…but the X-Men aren’t currently hiring I hear.
We use this legend of the Gaydar fully to our advantage: we become the next big party trick. Those guys you like the look of in the club? We’ve no idea if they’re gay. Your buff hairdresser? Not a clue. Your ex? Who knows?! Wishful thinking is not quite as powerful as we want it to be sometimes.
Fear not though! For all is not lost! Most gays all have one powerful link between us all. A higher power we worship with all our might – Grindr: The tool that allows us to track down other gays like bloodhounds in a matter of a few taps. That superpower we told you we didn’t have? Well think of us more as Batman with our gadgetry than Superman with fabulous capes and knee-high boots. So maybe we actually are more akin to sharks than we originally thought? As one of my favourite quotes says: “Y’know, gays and sharks are pretty alike” – Charles Darwin…probably.
So whilst we may not share breathing abilities, the power of speech or the reward of dishing out swimming badges once they achieve their 50 meters, our oceanic chums share one more thing with us than we originally thought. On that note, please raise your right hand/fin for the pledge…
“I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change my Grindr profile pic… Gays are friends, not food.”